guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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