I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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