About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
