Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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