I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
