I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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