I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
