Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
