I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize