wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
