The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
