I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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