just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
