i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
