tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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