My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
