i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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