Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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