so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
