Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
