the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
