Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
