My balls are so social today.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
