I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
