i permit you to call me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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