Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's always time for handjobs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You ruined the universe
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
