Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
