If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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