New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
