I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
