I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
