Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
