And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
