through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize