To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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