The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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