I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
