If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
