I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
