Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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