I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
