be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
