you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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