Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
