I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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