the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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