all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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