he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
