I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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