i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
