my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
