ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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