All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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