I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize