So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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